Stop Treating People Like Objects

Most of us move through the world inside a “narcissistic envelope,” a state of functional insanity where we are the only real actors on the stage. We cruise through life as if it were an invisible obstacle course, viewing the people we encounter—the clerk at the post office, our coworkers, even our own parents—as hurdles to be cleared or tools to be manipulated. We “one-up” our peers, score points in arguments, and push others aside to reach our goals, rarely pausing to realize that we are surrounded by flesh-and-blood realities.

The ancient Jewish ethical tradition offers a radical reentry into reality called Nose Be’ol Im Chavero —literally, “carrying the yoke with one’s fellow.” This isn’t just about being “nice.” It is a mastered skill of shifting your perspective so that you stop navigating around people and start carrying the weight of life alongside them. If you see a person hurting and you don’t move to feel for them, you aren’t just “busy”—you are behaving like a barbarian or a monkey in a civilized world.

1. The Reality Shift: Beyond the “Old Men from Mars” We rarely admit how deeply we objectify others. We treat children like toys and look at the elderly as if they are “from Mars,” existing in some “Never-Never Land” where they don’t have real feelings. But this distance exists even in our closest relationships. We say “hello” while maintaining a practiced, superficial distance.

The source of this failure is a refusal to recognize the “common human denominator.” As the tradition teaches:

“You say hello, how are you, where you from, there’s a distance. You’re not relating to real human beings. And that has got to go. That’s the wrong attitude... They have aspirations, problems, feelings, confusions, moments of ups and downs... just as real to them as yours are to you.”

To break the envelope, you must realize that every stranger is a “guided missile” of purpose and pain. Empathy begins by recognizing that the other person is an entity unto themselves, not a “parent image” there to supply food or a “boss image” there to pay bills.

2. Empathy in the “Jungle”: The Harness and the Argument

We often think empathy is reserved for victims of tragedy. However, the concept of the ol (the yoke or harness) suggests something more subtle. Empathy is about feeling the “harness” of another person’s daily activity.

• The Daily Yoke: Notice the bus driver under tension as people scramble on and off. Notice the clerk behind the desk at the post office and the pace of their work. Real empathy is being “into” whatever that person is doing, feeling the weight of their specific responsibilities.
• The Argument Trap: Most of us approach arguments like a game of “bing-bong” logic, hammering our points home. But real empathy means feeling where the other person is “stuck.” Whether you are arguing about the West Bank or capital punishment, if you don’t feel their assumptions or their fear of being “uncomfortable” with a new conclusion, you are just “beating your gums.”

Even in the “jungle” of a subway train at 11:00 PM, where adrenaline flows and every footstep feels like a threat, the “Sage” perspective demands we recognize the human denominator. Whether it is the victim or the “poor murderer,” every human being is struggling with the burden of trying to be good while making terrible mistakes.

3. The “Cheer Up” Trap: Why Your Help Might Be Hurting

We’ve all experienced the well-meaning friend who, seeing us depressed, gives us a solid slap on the back and says, “Cheer up! You have everything to live for!” Your immediate internal reaction is likely a desire to “kill the messenger.”

This happens because the “helper” is treating your soul like a simple object that needs a quick fix. They aren’t feeling where you are; they are offering a “simple solution” to a complex spiritual crisis.

“He realizes that he’s trying to help... but he’s counterproductive. He doesn’t know what’s going on. He doesn’t feel where you are... He thinks it’s a simple solution.”

Before you offer a single word of advice, you must identify with their essence—their drive, their self-respect, and their specific failure. If you don’t share the burden first, your “encouragement” is actually a form of shunning.

4. Developing the “Social Muscle”: The Art of Inoculation

We already “estimate” people at parties, but we usually do it to see who is a “stimulating” contact or who is a “nice schlep” we can relax with. The goal is to turn this selfish habit into a conscious practice of perception.

The Assignments:

• Get Names: Move people from “objects” to “realities” by learning who they are.
• The Daily List: Identify the people you encounter most—boss, spouse, coworkers—and look at them. Really look.
• Zooming In: Ask specific questions. Is he confident? Is he striving? Is he confused?

This practice leads to “inoculation.” When you share the burden of a friend who is yelling at his son, you remain objective about how counterproductive and hurtful that behavior is. By “feeling with” him, you see the mechanics of the mistake clearly, which inoculates you against making that same error in your own life.

5. The Power of Presence: From Shiva to the Almighty

Sometimes, carrying the burden means absolute silence. In the Jewish laws of Shiva (mourning), visitors are instructed not to speak until the mourner speaks first.

“He knows you’re there. He knows you feel with him. That makes it lighter... Just noticing and letting people know that you’re there with him—it lightens.”

This reflects a deeper, Divine dimension. In the practice of Tikkun Chatzos , we mourn the “insanity” of the world’s suffering alongside the Almighty. This is the ultimate form of empathy: sharing the burden with God, who suffers as His children waste their potential and “fight it out” with one another. To be a “good man” is to emulate this quality—to let the pain of the world, from the starving to the isolated elderly in the Bronx, penetrate your callousness.

The Pain of Unshared Joy Perhaps the most visceral lesson is that joy, too, can be a burden if carried alone. Imagine you just got engaged or had a son, but you have no one to tell. That unshared joy is not just “lesser”—it is painful.

“Joy shared is much more. It has to be shared. We are human beings... Shared joy is tremendous. It makes it real.”

If you cannot celebrate another person’s success, you are cutting off relations and treating them as an automaton. Being a “good man” means recognizing that human beings need validation to make their joy “full.”

The Challenge: Look at one person in your “envelope” today—perhaps your spouse, your parent, or a coworker you usually ignore. Don’t just say “hello.” Stop beating your gums, get into their shoes, and for one moment, feel the reality of their harness. Step out of your insanity and into the world.